Just over a week...

Monday 10^th May 2010

9 Days to go

I just booked a hotel for Myke and I to spend out first night in Kathmandu. I thought not having to stress for at least the first twenty four hours would be a great help in our settling in, and better still, they offer a free airport pick-up, so we won’t even have to navigate the seething masses of taxi drivers at the airport.

In other news...I'VE FINISHED ALL MY UNI WORK!

God I'm good. I even handed it in a week early so I can spend my last week en angleterre focusing on travelling stuff. I've nearly bought all of my travel list now. So now all I need to do is figure out how on earth to speak Nepali!

"ta-pai ang-gre-ji bhah-sah bol-nu-hun-cha?"

“Not yet, unfortunately.”

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

8 Days to go.

I'm currently sat in a coffee shop in Cheltenham. The last few days have been the happiest I've had in a long time, and there's only one person I have to thank for it...He's amazing. And at the moment he's under general anaesthetic at Cheltenham General Hospital, having an operation on his hernia. It's a completely normal procedure and (apparently) nothing to worry about. But it means the last week I'm in England the poor thing won't be able to get out of bed: No last meal, no romantic jaunts in the park on our final day together...Oh dear. But we did know it was going to have to be this way. Matt has been waiting for this operation for 6 months so it will be good for him to finally get it over with. So, this weekend we spent our final days together out in the sunshine and it was amazing.

When I left him at the hospital today I couldn't stop crying. I know it's only procedural but seeing him feeling that nervous and hearing all the risks involved with aesthetic, it's hard not to imagine the worst. After he was wheeled away I sat on a bench outside the hospital and had a little cry, hoping they were gentle with him. Wondering why I'm going away and leaving him in pain. Now I'm in town eating an overpriced Panini in a characterless coffee shop, wondering what the hell they're doing to him.

I'm going to go to the shops after this and buy the ingredients to make him his favourite dessert for dinner tonight: Bannoffee pie. I'm supposed to be going back to Bristol for my housemate's birthday drinks, but I will have to see how Matt's feeling. I really don't want to leave him in pain. Want to make sure he's being looked after properly.

But I digress. This weekend. Oh, it makes me smile just thinking about it. It feels like forever since we've had the chance to spend so many days in a row together, just the two of us...No drink, no drum’n’bass, just me and him and some good old fashioned adventuring.

He surprised me at work on Saturday, and I surprised him by saying we should go to the cinema. On our way into town that night we got a bit rowdy, drinking Heineken and eating cheap kids sweets. We went to the watershed to see the new Chris Morris film, 'Four Lions'. It's just as incredible as I thought it would be, brought a tear to me eye from creasing with laughter and the touching moments in equal measure. I Highly recommend it. Afterwards I took us to Nando's for a slap up late-night meal, which actually ended up being quite expensive. It was lovely to see all my old work mates and afterwards we missioned off to a Gypsy night at the Full Moon. We ended up parading home drinking cans of Rio before waking up everyone in the house playing classical music and play fighting until the wee hours.

Then on Sunday we had a glorious lie in, before getting biked up and heading into Bath for the day. My days out in Bath have a long history of failing abysmally. But for us, the weather held out, the shops were open and we had the most perfect day. We played in town, cycled out to the countryside, frolicked in fields, went to a riverside pub and in the evening Matt took me to Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall's restaurant. For the best meal I have ever had. It was amazing. We got to do some wine tasting, got a free desert because the lady liked us so much....It was just perfect, and we drunkenly informed the waitress so, many, many times. We even successfully caught the last train home and got a last drink at the big chill bar in Bristol. By this point we were exceedingly drunk and had to take ourselves home.

Yesterday we spent the day in town, me getting my last injections for travelling and Matt buying us tasty smoothies before we caught the train to Cheltenham. We had a family meal with the Smyths and then me and Matt took ourselves out for a last walk in the fresh air. The last time until August. We played on many playgrounds and did some Parkour in a field (obviously our own special version of Parkour) Everything smelt of sunshine and sweeties and grass and Dr.Pepper and we wandered home around sunset, arm in arm, loved up and sleepy from a long weekend.

Now I wonder why I'm even leaving. I'm going to miss him so much I can't even put it into words. I tried to write him a letter the other day explaining why I'm doing what I'm doing. But the truth is, even I don't really know. All I know is that I need to find myself. It’s a cliche but it's true. I've been in so many relationships for so many years I've lost all sense of myself, and if I don't figure it all out now I'll only have to do it later. And then it's going to hurt more. The last thing I want to do is to hurt Matt. He's my best friend in the world, and the shittest part of all of this is that we haven't got any problems with our relationship. We're both so happy, and we are such a perfect match, but now isn't the right time for me to be settling down for good. I've got to find myself at some point, and I'd rather do it now than end up resenting our relationship.

But, God. I love him.